Nobody likes to think of himself as a shower troll. It's easy to fool one's self... there's not exactly a bright line between a dedicated athlete who just likes to shower (leisurely) in company and admire the beauty (in passing), and the leering perv who soaps his pendulous genitals for hours at end. A strict definition is tricky. Since shower trolldom is terribly subjective (like sluttiness), I've come up with these simple twelve indicators – and if any two ring true, it indicates that you might want to take the occasional shower alone, under your own bridge.
1) You pay the extra $50 for the special anti-fog treatment for your new glasses.
2) Line-of-sight is the most important consideration for you in choosing a showerhead. Hot water is secondary.
3) After tiring of refilling your little travel shampoo bottle every two days, you give up and take the one-litre bottle with you. The bottle you buy at Costco because shampoo seems so darn expensive lately.
4) You switch to contact lenses because your glasses fog over.
5) After a long search, you finally find shower slippers with arch supports.
6) You have switched to Johnson's Baby Shampoo (“No Tears!”) to avoid stinging your eyes.
7) You change jobs so you can be at the gym during the busiest hours.
8) The shower stall in your home is occupied by a filing cabinet, boxes of old magazines, a fishbowl full of matchbooks and a funerary urn.
9) You get Lasik surgery because your contact lenses slip off your cornea too much.
10) Water cascades over your face without triggering a blink reflex. (And don't even pretend that's the only reflex you've lost.)
11) You maintain memberships at more than two local athletic facilities and use them regularly (“them” meaning the showers).
12) You have developed an antifungal-resistant case of athlete's foot.
And if you're still in doubt: yes, you are a shower troll.
