Bankers cautious on Eurozone breakup

While some banks are calling for contingency plans in the case of the breakup of the Eurozone, a large majority of investment banks, hedge fund managers, and responsible commentators are saying "hold on a minute."

"Where am I supposed to put the money?" said Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs. "As CEO, I'm committed to maximizing corporate profits, and while Goldman Sachs will obviously make bank on this one that will make the real estate bubble look like a pinprick, I personally haven't even figured out what to do with my bonus from that yet."

Most economists agree that a breakup of the Eurozone would mean an immense realignment of riches, and complain that the term "percent" is becoming particularly unwieldy in describing the distribution of wealth. "My friends and I can't even explain how rich we are anymore. Saying 'We're the 0.00001%' is too hard to understand," lamented hedge-fund manager Peter Thiel. U.S. lawmakers are studying proposals for mandating use of a new term "permega", in which percentages would be replaced by fractions based on a million, as part of the recently introduced Division Is So Hard (DISH) Act.

Tax experts welcome the possibility of change, saying that they are running out of zeros when expressing tax liability to their clients. "You need to pay 0.0000001% of your income in tax this year" is just too hard for many of my esteemed colleagues to follow, said H&R Block CEO William Cobb. "Keep in mind, most investment bankers have graduated in the past 5-10 years from top educational institutions in the United States, and although they all got straight As and graduated at the tops of their classes, so did everyone else."

Although momentum has been significant on the DISH act, with ten co-sponsors in the Senate, opposition is growing. Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is leading the charge against such a change, arguing that math isn't the problem and the tax code itself is at fault. "We can't keep applying the same logic, putting another zero in front of the tax burden of our nation's most productive workers. My smartest staffers tell me that by simply putting a minus sign in front of the tax rate we could reverse the trend and start getting those numbers under control, especially for workers in the affected brackets. We wouldn't have to invent a new symbol, either."

Notwithstanding these efforts by legislators to soften the blow, plans are proceeding apace to launch new currencies in place of the Euro. "We're still trying to work out how we can absorb all of the wealth of the Euro, as well as all of the wealth in the new currencies that will be introduced," said Mr. Blankfein. "We applaud the efforts of our friends in European governments to include us in discussions on how to build a variety of efficient banking systems that will benefit world economic growth."

However, Mr. Blankfein sounded a note of caution on current U.S. legislative efforts to ease the transition. "Of course we appreciate all of the help we can get, but right now that's up to the European Union. The U.S. government should stay focused on efforts to finance the next round of bailouts."

Solutions to the iPhone 3G energy crisis

I have the new iPhone 3G, and it is wonderful in so many ways: fast Internet, great mail integration, revolutionary app store, global reach of distribution, amazing polish... but. But.

This has been said a jazillion trillion quadrillion times already on every blog, tweet, IM, and stone engraving in the past forty days, but I've got to say it too: the iPhone 3G's battery performance sucks. It really, really does. Activating the 3G network means that the battery drains in a matter of hours, and even without it turned on it barely makes it through a 24-hour period without running out of juice. It is a power hog, 3G or no 3G, plain and simple. A single charging cable is not enough, because if you leave it at home, you'll need it at work, and vice-versa.

But I'm not just bitching, no, I'm a man of action, and I'm proposing real solutions for the energy crisis with the iPhone 3G. Below are my practical proposals for powering your iPhone 3G while you're on the go.

Miniature nuclear reactor small hydroelectric facility space-based solar array with microwave power transmission

mule team and hand-wired dynamo coal-burning steam turbine diet Coke and Mentos

Yes, someday soon Apple will release a firmware update that lets you turn 3G on and off in less than eight steps. Heck, they might even go buck wild and have it automatically switch to 3G when the bandwidth is needed, and back to Edge when not. (Crazy talk, I know!) But until that fine day, use the handy hints above to keep your iPhone running during that extended period while you walk from your house to your car.

Dave's liposarcoma, and what to do about it

My friend Dave Novak is in the hospital, getting chemotherapy to treat liposarcoma, which he discovered he has just a little while ago. He's documenting his treatment on his blog, and I really appreciate it. I'm thinking about him a lot.

Since Dave is going to be spending the next couple of days in the hospital, I thought I might help him to stay focused on his recovery. Since he just got rid of his old hair, I thought it would be a good idea to start weighing the replacement options:

the Shag:	the bob cut:	Geddy Lee's mullet:

I have supplied a few good options here, but please feel free to submit additional proposals in the comments (with pictures, please). I've set up a poll for voting. Good news, Dave – you also get to vote!

Quants: powered by VBA

So here's a scary thought: quants, the wiz4rd5 behind our brave new automated markets, write their masterpieces in VBA. That's right, the "unthinkably complex financial instruments" that journalists have been gushing over for the last few years are written in Visual Basic for Applications, Visual Basic's lead-poisoned little brother. [As if Visual Basic isn't dumb enough already.]

William Gibson made the job sound so sexy back in 1997 with Idoru. It's hilarious that in real life they're a bunch of physics nerds with Excel spreadsheets. Knowing this makes me want to ensure my retirement by implanting a thimble-sized piece of gold in my abdomen. I'm constantly astonished that anything, anywhere, ever works at all.

In bed

Ratings for Fox News have followed the GOP into the toilet, and it is with a double-dose of schadenfreude that I present a little gem that illustrates just how blatantly, ridiculously biased Faux News really is, and just how ineffective they have become.

Unfortunately, Fox is just the worst of a bad lot... NBC, owned by GE, is hardly more likely to be a reliably independent voice, and the other conglomerate-owned media are so entwined with conflicting business interests that they couldn't possibly be expected to attempt objectivity – even putting aside the basic conflict of interest coming from paid advertisements. If it is on television and has any consequence, it is certainly biased: journalistic ethics have become a hollow joke. And that goes for you too, PBS.

Terror montage

In honour of Rudy's flameout, I thought I'd bring back some images from his campaign to become terrorist-in-chief^*. Hope you can still find punters for the speeches, o great mayor.
*^"person who terrorizes or frightens others." terrorist. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. (accessed: January 29, 2008).

Lesbian rules & regulations

• Lesbians like kickboxing. There is a strong correlation between lesbianism and Tae Bo.


• Femme lesbians in Vancouver can't talk about anything but shoes.


• Lesbians like Lebanese food. Maybe it's because it sounds like "lesbian" and maybe it's because they like to eat with their fingers.


• When a lesbian student raises her hand in class, she will extend two fingers together.


• Dill is a lesbian spice.


• All indie rockers are lesbians.

Please add any other rules on lesbianism in the comments. Please keep in mind that this is no laughing matter.

Smile!

When we bought our house in Toronto two years ago, we decided to get a Murphy bed for the guest room. We wandered around the city looking for the right one, astounded at every turn by the prices they charge for these things. A thousand bucks for a stack of compressed wood? Yup.

When we finally decided to cough up the dough, we were faced with a salesperson who mumbled curses in Russian under her breath, rolled her eyes, and sighed as we discussed options and paid her god-damned salary.

I was entranced.

I got out my phone and pretended to be playing around with it, and surreptitiously captured her image for posterity. (I had used a hack to disable the obnoxious snapshot sound effect. Hello, Motorola, it's my frigging phone, okay?) So here she is to brighten your day, too.

DeAundra Peek

Media superstar (and fellow Cracker Barrel protester) DeAundra Peek gives us Dee-Lite's What is love? in her own inimitable style.

Only heterosexual christians need apply?

I can only assume this headline means something else to the author of this article: Jiibe is eHarmony for Jobs.

Celebrity encounter

I've been a Todd Haynes fan since Poison. I was living under a rock when Velvet Goldmine came out, and didn't see it until two years ago, when I bought the DVD.  I watched it... more times than I can recall, and soaked my head in the soundtrack.

As I was going through this obsession, every day on my way to work I'd pass a commercial real estate sign with an agent's name: Kurt Love.

Kurt Love.

Every time I read that sign, the name reverberated in my head, in Toni Collette's voice. This, generally, as I'd be listening to the soundtrack. I'd say it to myself, dramatically: "Kurt Love."

What a cheeseball.

So a couple of months later I was with a group of people evaluating office space.  We went to some boring glass cube perched on the empty plains of Siberia^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Mississauga to look at another spray of veal-fattening pens in neutral corporate-approved colours, sniff the washrooms, and pretend that any of this mattered, as the only important criteria were the price and that it have enough parking to encourage and abet the continued slow suicide of our civilization. We met with the suits (corporate real estate agents still dress up), and one stuck his hand out at me. "Kurt Love."

I froze. I swear, the sound cue actually went off in my head: the intro to "T.V. Eye".  I gaped. He didn't look like Ewan McGregor.

Somehow, after a subjective decade of embarrassed paralysis, I recovered enough to blurt out my own name and shake his hand. But I couldn't stop staring at him, like he was a major celebrity that I ran into at Costco.  The only thing I could think of to say to the man was "are you really Kurt Love?"  Thankfully, I was able to exercise restraint.

The Happiest Gay Couple in the World

Years ago, there was a series of animated shorts about Rick & Steve, the Happiest Gay Couple in the World. They were great... little filthy-mouthed Lego people filmed in stop-motion, having drama and laser vaginal rejuvenation. The writing was awesome, with dialogue cut from every queen's daily life, and dead on in its send-up of the hostility implicit in our everyday human relationships.

They've just been re-done as a season of half-hour episodes by their creator, Q. Allan Brocka by MTV for its Logo network. My friend Meiro Stamm composed and performed the music, and showed me some of the episodes – wonderful! Although the figures still resemble the Lego characters of our youth, they don't look exactly like them (thus avoiding attention from the litigious Danes at Lego) – but the series retains all of the sass and irreverence of the original shorts. MTV censors apparently couldn't wring the humour out of Mr. Brocka.

They are showing some clips on happiestgaycouple.com (if you live outside the US, you'll have to download the video instead of watching it online <eye-roll>). It shows on Logo on Tuesdays at 10pm. Apparently no distribution deal in Canada yet, but I've already ordered the DVD.

Presidential candidates compared

Cecily sent me this link comparing the pros and cons of the various presidential candidates. "Dude. Come on."

If Russ Feingold would run I'd quit my job and follow him around like a Phish tour.

Ready.gov remixed

Relax, you can feel safe now.

Perversion

It started out with a strange beverage choice. I was getting tired of drinking peppermint tea with sweet 'n' low (which here in Canada has cyclamate instead of saccharine), so I started drinking hot water. That's pretty disturbing, but it didn't stop there.

Tonight I came home wanting to eat, but not hungry. I walked through the grocery store and picked up things, but couldn't find anything that was worth a half hour on an exercise machine. So I came home and ate two grapefruit (enjoying them deeply) and then, for dessert, grabbed a bottle of grated horseradish. I've eaten a third of the bottle. It is delicious.

Quiet Vista launch

Two choice quotes:

...it's just an operating system. In 1995 that alone was a big deal. Vista would have to desalinate water or levitate things to deserve such hype.

When asked why people weren't lining up outside stores at midnight, Windows marketing overseer Mike Sievert says:

“The world's changed in so many ways since 1995,” he said. “Some of those lines that you're talking about may be virtual instead of physical this time around.”

Virtual. Like, in his dreams?

James Brown Is Dead

Too bad he's dead... the Bush White House will need another spokesman after Tony Snow loses steam, and this guy can avoid a question like nobody else.

Twelve signs you might be a shower troll

Nobody likes to think of himself as a shower troll. It's easy to fool one's self... there's not exactly a bright line between a dedicated athlete who just likes to shower (leisurely) in company and admire the beauty (in passing), and the leering perv who soaps his pendulous genitals for hours at end. A strict definition is tricky. Since shower trolldom is terribly subjective (like sluttiness), I've come up with these simple twelve indicators – and if any two ring true, it indicates that you might want to take the occasional shower alone, under your own bridge.

1) You pay the extra $50 for the special anti-fog treatment for your new glasses.
2) Line-of-sight is the most important consideration for you in choosing a showerhead. Hot water is secondary.
3) After tiring of refilling your little travel shampoo bottle every two days, you give up and take the one-litre bottle with you. The bottle you buy at Costco because shampoo seems so darn expensive lately.
4) You switch to contact lenses because your glasses fog over.
5) After a long search, you finally find shower slippers with arch supports.
6) You have switched to Johnson's Baby Shampoo (“No Tears!”) to avoid stinging your eyes.
7) You change jobs so you can be at the gym during the busiest hours.
8) The shower stall in your home is occupied by a filing cabinet, boxes of old magazines, a fishbowl full of matchbooks and a funerary urn.
9) You get Lasik surgery because your contact lenses slip off your cornea too much.
10) Water cascades over your face without triggering a blink reflex. (And don't even pretend that's the only reflex you've lost.)
11) You maintain memberships at more than two local athletic facilities and use them regularly (“them” meaning the showers).
12) You have developed an antifungal-resistant case of athlete's foot.

And if you're still in doubt: yes, you are a shower troll.

Sex toys not a right

A US federal court has found no right to sex toys... and as Xeni Jardin points out you can buy a gun in Mississippi, but not a dildo.

Well, somebody has to suggest it: from now on, sex toys in Mississippi will have to be sold only at gun shops, and will have to be produced as a dual-use weapon: destruction and pleasure. That way they'll be protected by the 2nd amendment.

Taking that a step further, in Mississippi gun shows will now also be sex-toy shows. Gun oil will be dual-use as well.